It's All in Your Algorithm

Is My Algorithm Spying on Me?

 I ask myself, "Tammi, when did this start happening?" Sometimes I'll just think about something and it will show up on my algorithm.

I was sitting on the toilet the other day. HEH! I'm not embarrassed to say, YES! I look at INSTA when I'm on the toilet. What else is a scrolling obsessed human supposed to do? Stare out the window pondering world crises or perhaps ruminate over the price of eggs? Thankfully I don't eat eggs. But I digress.

So, sitting there on the toilet doom scrolling (Afterwards - I'm always like - "I can't get those five minutes back!") 

All of a sudden my algorithm goes into overdrive! One post after another.

"Is your clit dry like the desert"

"Does your vagina crack like a crevasse"

"Are your lady bits a bit out of whack"

Amidst my immediate confusion I asked myself—Are they referring to what I think they're referring too? Absolutely! The VJ! But here's the thing? How did my algorithm find out about a most private body part? 

Time for more research. Were other people experiencing this algorithm angst?

Sitting at coffee the next day with my close friend Cindy I broached the VJ topic. I had to know.

Not wanting to alert the adjacent coffee drinkers. I whispered, "Cindy, what are you doing about your lady parts? Is your algorithm assaulting you?"

A confused look came across her face. "My lady whats? What algorithm?"

I took a breath. Told myself - be patient. Sensitive topic zone.

"You know, lady bits, down there, your YOU KNOW WHATS."

She paused. "Oh those lady bits. "Not much, the usual." 

I thought - what's the usual? I rallied. OK Tammi. Stay on topic. 

"Your algorithm silly!" It's in your algorithm!" 

"My algorithm? I don't have an algorithm. Is that a body part I don't know about." She frowned. "I knew it! My mom left soooo much out!"

My brain lit up like a laser beam bouncing inside my head. Pressure, bright lights, sparkles! Normally, I like sparkles but this wasn't the time or place. 

"Cindy, be real. Everyone has AN ALGORITHM. Even you have AN ALGORITHM."

She looks defensive. "Well maybe you do but I certainly don't." Defensiveness turns to regret. Should I worry? Am I missing out?"

Cindy is ALWAYS worried about missing out. Big time FOMO. 

Another breath. I pulled up the Google. 

"A data-tracking system in which an individual's internet search history and browsing habits are used to present them with similar or related material on social media or other platforms."

"Oh that thing. She looks relieved. "Mostly just Rottweilers playing with babies and DIYs on how to get rid of toe fungus. I don't even have toe fungus! And really - Rottweilers! What are people thinking!? Those things 'll bite a baby's head off!

I respond. "Well, if that happens they certainly won' t show it on INSTA." 

I try to steer us back to the topic at hand. I had to know.

"But no posts on the lady bits?" 

Cindy focuses. I can see the wheels turning. "Maybe one," She whispers. "Something about a device that looks like a cross between a zucchini and a misshapen suppository." Her eyes cross. "Do they really want you to stick that up your butt? That's gross!"

"I giggle. "Not your butt silly, your VG."

"She grimaces. "Well really. I can't BELIEVE they put that stuff on the INSTA or even the Google in general. I mean isn't that illegal?" 

"They may be pushing the boundaries of propriety by mentioning vaginas (one INSTA ad even had a woman holding a stuffed vagina to demonstrate). I mean when they are advertising men’s ED stuff or manscaping equipment they never hold a stuffed penis and balls." 

But wait! Maybe they do. My algorithm doesn't give me access to that stuff (more investigation needed there).

Cindy grimaces (again). "Ooh don't say those words in public Tammi. Yuck!" 

"Totally yuck." I agree. At this point I thought it was best to end the conversation. 

"Let's table this topic for now." She agrees and we part until the next time.

So after much study and one very hell-of-a weird conversation I have reached my ‘scientific’ conclusion.

Is my algorithm spying on me? Definitely - YES! But then I realize. I do have control. I can steer my algorithm in the direction I want it to go.

Puppies and kitties playing with cute babies, (no worries about biting heads off there), Timothée Chalamet, smiling turtles, baby elephants here I come!

 

2016 Here I come!

“You want to compare yourself to an insect Cassie? If you’re an insect then you’re a mayfly. Here for a day, then gone… It’s always been that way. We’re here, and then we’re gone, and it’s not about the time we’re here. But what we do with the time.”

—Rick Yancey, The 5^th Wave

There's No such thing as a bad hair day on the water.
Coaching Dominican sailor Guillermo Flaquer,
winner of the 2014 13th Annual Caribbean Midwinters Regatta.

Year 2015 was transformative for me. I had a real life adventure living in Cabarete in the Dominican Republic for three months. Not only did I avoid the horrible northeast winter I was able to fulfill my dream of coaching Laser sailors coming to the Laser Training Cabarete from all over the globe to train in the warm waters and challenging conditions. Living in a foreign country is different from a vacation. I had the opportunity to form lasting relationships with people from many different countries and see how other people live outside the United States. The experience helped me see myself more as a citizen of the world. While our cultures can be different we are inherently the same in many respects. Fathers and mothers love their children and people strive to live a safe and happy life despite the struggles they may face on a daily basis. I met Dominicans who lived in beautiful mansions in gated communities and others who lived in stucco shacks with dirt floors. Honestly those living in shacks had bigger smiles than those in the mansions.

While in the DR I had time to reflect on my life back home. Questions kept popping up. Was I doing everything I could to foster a singular life and be an exceptional person? What did all that mean? Certainly spending time in a foreign country was singularly adventurous but was that enough? What was I getting out of this experience besides a nice tan? As I lay in bed at night, exhausted after a long day of coaching, the questions would filter up through the fatigue.  Aspects of my life back home plagued me like unfinished business. One particular relationship with my ex-husband picked at my brain. We had been divorced since 2012 and while we were on cordial terms I still harbored anger towards him. The anger would surface at various times boiling over in a poisonous mix of emotions. Back home I felt like I had no control over it. I couldn’t forget and I couldn’t forgive. I was in a state of emotional purgatory. Being in the DR was like having a big “time-out” from the situation. I was able to realize that the recurring anger was akin to knife wounds injuring me over and over. I would start to heal but then some random happenstance would bring the pain back to the surface. Again I’d be be wounded and again I would have to recover. I had to get out of the anger cycle. But how?

The first step was acknowledging that enough was enough. The anger may have helped me get through the initial stages of divorce but after three years it was having a detrimental affect on my life. I have always been a person who believes that negative energy needs to be jettisoned in order for positive energy to work. It's ironic in this situation I wasn’t following my own credo. I was trying to move forward in so many ways but if I truly wanted to transcend and transform I had to remove the cancer of anger from my soul. Realizing I had to get off the anger train was a huge step, allowing me to dissect the issue. First and foremost I acknowledged if I could overcome the feelings my life would open up to infinite wonderful possibilities. I visualized a future devoid of anger in which I would be setting an awesome example for my son and I could be proud of myself. The next step was figuring out how to accomplish the vision. Having already spent considerable time in therapy I decided I needed to go to the source of my anger. I began to talk with my ex, not to rehash the old stuff but to ask new questions and listen. Listening for me means engaging without preconceived agendas put in place to justify a particular perspective. Instead opening lines of communication with the hope of developing new perspectives. Through this process I realized how much my own need to hang on to pride, hurt, AND the idea that I was the right one, the injured one, made it impossible to forgive and ultimately heal.

New Year's day Boston.
Our first family photo since 2011. 

My road of healing was not easy. There were many of tears and many difficult conversations. Ultimately I was awakened to the fact that I also had contributed to the hurt and I could see my ex as someone who was also in pain. At that point the door opened for us to reconcile, not as spouses but as friends and cohorts in the raising of our son. What a wonderful feeling!

When I tell my story to friends or family they say, “You’re so brave!” I’m not sure bravery came into play. I didn’t feel brave. Malala Yousafzai is brave. What I am deep down is a goal-oriented person. I also want to have a happy life. I didn’t want to carry a chip on my shoulder and I wanted to set a good example for my child. Those were my motivations. And I was lucky to have married a man who is essentially a good person. Not everyone has that advantage. For all those out there who are hurting, whether you can heal with the one who’s hurt you or not, you have the power inside to heal yourself. Setting goals is a great start. Maybe it’s a small as getting up every morning. Taking that first step is what’s important. Then making sure that step is meaningful.