“You want to compare yourself to an insect Cassie? If you’re
an insect then you’re a mayfly. Here for a day, then gone… It’s always been
that way. We’re here, and then we’re gone, and it’s not about the time we’re
here. But what we do with the time.”
—Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave
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| There's No such thing as a bad hair day on the water. Coaching Dominican sailor Guillermo Flaquer, winner of the 2014 13th Annual Caribbean Midwinters Regatta. |
Year 2015 was transformative for me. I had a real life
adventure living in Cabarete in the Dominican Republic for three months. Not only did I avoid the horrible northeast winter I was able to fulfill my dream of coaching Laser sailors coming to the Laser Training Cabarete from all over the globe to train in the warm waters and
challenging conditions. Living in a foreign country is different
from a vacation. I had the opportunity to form lasting relationships with people from many
different countries and see how other people live outside the United States. The experience helped me see myself more as a citizen of the world. While our
cultures can be different we are inherently the same in many respects. Fathers
and mothers love their children and people strive to live a safe and happy life despite the struggles they may face on a daily basis. I met Dominicans who lived in beautiful
mansions in gated communities and others who lived in stucco shacks with dirt
floors. Honestly those living in shacks had bigger smiles than those in the
mansions.
While in the DR I had time to reflect on my life back home. Questions
kept popping up. Was I doing everything I could to foster a singular life and
be an exceptional person? What did all that mean? Certainly spending time in a
foreign country was singularly adventurous but was that enough? What was I
getting out of this experience besides a nice tan? As I lay in bed at night,
exhausted after a long day of coaching, the questions would filter up through
the fatigue. Aspects of my
life back home plagued me like unfinished business. One particular relationship
with my ex-husband picked at my brain. We had been divorced since 2012 and
while we were on cordial terms I still harbored anger towards him. The anger
would surface at various times boiling over in a poisonous mix of emotions.
Back home I felt like I had no control over it. I couldn’t forget and I
couldn’t forgive. I was in a state of emotional purgatory. Being in the DR was
like having a big “time-out” from the situation. I was able to realize that the
recurring anger was akin to knife wounds injuring me over and over. I
would start to heal but then some random happenstance would bring the pain back to the
surface. Again I’d be be wounded and again I would have to recover. I had to
get out of the anger cycle. But how?
The first step was acknowledging that enough was enough. The
anger may have helped me get through the initial stages of divorce but after
three years it was having a detrimental affect on my life. I have always been a
person who believes that negative energy needs to be jettisoned in order for
positive energy to work. It's ironic in this situation I wasn’t following my own
credo. I was trying to move forward in so many ways but if I truly wanted to
transcend and transform I had to remove the cancer of anger from my soul.
Realizing I had to get off the anger train was a huge step, allowing me
to dissect the issue. First and foremost I acknowledged if I could overcome the
feelings my life would open up to infinite wonderful possibilities. I
visualized a future devoid of anger in which I would be setting an awesome
example for my son and I could be proud of myself. The next step was figuring
out how to accomplish the vision. Having already spent considerable time in
therapy I decided I needed to go to the source of my anger. I began to talk
with my ex, not to rehash the old stuff but to ask new questions and
listen. Listening for me means engaging without preconceived agendas put in
place to justify a particular perspective. Instead opening lines of
communication with the hope of developing new perspectives. Through this process
I realized how much my own need to hang on to pride, hurt, AND the idea that I
was the right one, the injured one, made it impossible to forgive and
ultimately heal.
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| New Year's day Boston. Our first family photo since 2011. |
My road of healing was not easy. There
were many of tears and many difficult conversations. Ultimately I was awakened
to the fact that I also had contributed to the hurt and I could see my ex as
someone who was also in pain. At that point the door opened for us to
reconcile, not as spouses but as friends and cohorts in the raising of our son.
What a wonderful feeling!
When I tell my story to friends or family they say, “You’re
so brave!” I’m not sure bravery came into play. I didn’t feel brave. Malala Yousafzai is brave. What I am deep
down is a goal-oriented person. I also want to have a happy life. I didn’t want to
carry a chip on my shoulder and I wanted to set a good example for my child.
Those were my motivations. And I was lucky to have married a man who is
essentially a good person. Not everyone has that advantage. For all those out
there who are hurting, whether you can heal with the one who’s hurt you
or not, you have the power inside to heal yourself. Setting goals is a great
start. Maybe it’s a small as getting up every morning. Taking that first step
is what’s important. Then making sure that step is meaningful.
