The Truth Hurts But: At Least it Comes With a Coupon

You’re of a certain age now. “They” want to tell you something very important. But there’s a slight problem. You don’t want to hear it.

Who are “They”, You ask?

You know—those who tell us important stuff.

 “They" say the polar ice caps are melting and if we want to save the polar bears (DUHH!) we’re going to have to start outfitting them with XL life preservers.

"They" say that aliens are sending us messages from outer space and if you don’t want to hear them you should wear an aluminum foil hat. I don’t know about you but I’m kind of intrigued by messages from space aliens and frankly, I’m bored by messages from Al Qaeda (they’re such a downer!). But I’m getting off-topic.

Yes, "They" are trying to tell you something but they’re afraid you’ll get mad. I know I would, if they told me what they’re intending to tell you. The good thing is that they’ve come up with a plan for how they’ll do it— in the kindest way possible—and you may actually LIKE it.

One can only hope.

They’ve enlisted the assistance of the tippy-top marketing experts in the Corporation that’s Very Successful, CVS for short (not to be confused with corporations with the same initials). These CVS tippy-top marketing specialists have devised a full-proof scheme to “ease” (their words, not mine) you into your Very Important Message (VIM).

You’ll be invited to become one of a select club of customers and they’ll even give you a cute little card you can carry on your keychain. It’s all about fun and convenience right? Then, every time you go to this CVS and buy something:

• Soap
• Cosmetics
• Batteries
• and other stuff you’d rather I not mention but you get a coupon for a really great product

At first, it’s stuff to help you feel young and pretty: 

• puff enhancer lip liners in mauve berry bongolicious
• a super duper extra lush eyelash brushy thing.

You walk away saying, “They care about me. They know what I need.” 

At this point they’ve got you—you’re toast.

Now they launch Project VIM

The next time your get a coupon for one of those drinks typically purchased by members of the AARP. You’re a bit taken aback, but you give these CVSers the Benefit Of The Doubt (BOTD).

“They’ve made an honest mistake” you say.

But heh, it’s the Choco-Latte flavor that’s supposed to have lots of vitamins in it, right? You’re mollified For The Time Being (FTTB). The next time they hit you with a coupon for vitamins—which is fine—except the vitamins say “Silver” on the label and, “with extra calcium for fragile bones.”

You’re perplexed. What happened to the plushy wushy super soap bubbly body scrubb coupon you were hoping for?  You rationalize again because heh, you’re a nice person, and they’re just trying to be helpful. Again, you give the CVS folk BOTD, FTTB.

But wait! They’ve buttered you up and decided it’s time to deliver the punch-line: your personalized VIM. Unfortunately, you’re still deluded.

You haven’t any idea the sucker punch is coming. You’re not prepared But the CVSers don’t care. This is a BIG business right?  They have to balance timeliness with cost-savings. They can’t wait forever for you. They’ve got to do it now!

The next time you’ll go into This CVS establishment, convinced that today is the day you’ll be a big winner. You can feel it in your bones.

The coupon for the vanilla spice major root enhancing hair mousse impregnated with acai berries is yours for the taking!

You approach the counter to pay and expectantly extend your hand for the receipt. “Oh look Mam, you have a coupon.” The elderly cashier enthusiastically declares. “Very dependable anti-piddle adult diaper (VDAPAD). How nice. I use those all the time, blah blah blah. They last for HOURS.”

You stand paralyzed, rooted in shock.

The VIM has been delivered.

The marketing team has done its job and everyone (except you of course) can go home happy.

The sad fact is that in this technologically-driven information age you becoming a casualty of your demographic shift; a sophisticated and markety way of saying: You’re getting OLDER and everyone knows it but you.

No-Doubt-About-It (NDAI). We all have to face it (I’ve already gotten my VPAPAD coupon) and there’s no looking back. So don’t—look back that is. The best years are yet to come. 

Oh, and BTW- the vanilla spice major root enhancing hair mousse impregnated with acai berries isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. 

FTTB :)