Adventures in Shameless Self-Promotion

I have decided it’s time to do some shameless self-promotion for my children’s book, Vanilla Gorilla: Animal Art and Poems. Heh, if I don’t do it who will. 

There are myriad reasons why everyone should buy this book. Here’s three.

1. You like me.

2. You don’t like me but you want to read a riveting piece of literature.

3. Your ambivalent about me saying, “ECHH, I could take her or leave her.” but you want to learn some new words and impress all your friends.

In order to really maximize my shameless self-promotion I decided I need a tagline. Who better to consult than my friend Jonathan, a so-called advertising guru who has worked for EVERY major corporation on the planet. If he can’t come up with a really neat tagline no one can.

I call him. 

‘I need a shameless self-promotional tagline for my book.’

‘What book?’

‘Vanilla Gorilla: Animal Art & Poems - DUHHH.’

'There’s no such thing as a Vanilla Gorilla.’ He states emphatically. ‘Gorillas are black and maybe a little brown too. But they have pink tummies.’

‘Since when did you become an authority on gorillas?’

‘I’ve worked with my share of gorillas. There was that coke commercial with the dancing gorillas.’

‘But those were cartoon gorillas.'

‘Cartoon - schmartoon! They’re all the same. And, we were almost nominated for an Emmy.’

‘Almost’ doesn’t quite qualify as 'actual' but whatever. I perceive a bit of ego stroking might be appropriate at this point.

‘You must be so proud. My gorilla is only named Vanilla Gorilla, and he’s not black he’s blue.'

‘OK.... A gorilla named Vanilla Gorilla who’s not even Vanilla but blue. How am I supposed to work with that!?’

'You’re supposed to be an advertising genius. Isn’t that what your shameless self-promotional literature says?’

'Well yes but.... OOOPS? Client calling! Gotta Go!’

So much for advertising gurus. So I called my sister Anne the opera singing diva sister who also writes ad jingles on the side. 

'I need a shameless self-promotional tagline for my gorilla book.’

‘What have you got so far.’

‘Well, I’ve got Vanilla is great. Everyone loves Vanilla.’

‘Everyone loves chocolate more.’ she muses, 'Why not change it to Chocolate Gorilla?’

'Because Vanilla Gorilla rhymes. There’s no rhyme in Chocolate Gorilla, AND the book is already printed.'

‘Already printed?’

‘Already printed.’ 

‘OOOPS!’ Did you screw that one up.’

'It is what it is. There’s no going back. Now what about help with the tagline?’

'Let me work on it but I’m pretty busy. Got three performances of La Boheme this week, I’m playing Mimi. I have consumption and I die in a rat infested Paris garrett. It’s very romantic.’

‘How do you sing if you have consumption?’ I ask. 

'Pure talent honey. Pure talent.' 

I hear the phone ringing in the background. 'That’s my Rodolfo calling!' she declares excitedly. ‘Gotta go!’

Rodolpho? Before this all gets a bit weird I call the X. Since he wrote the poems that appear in the book maybe he can come up with a shameless self-promotional tagline.

'I’m super busy right now.’ he says suspiciously. 'Are you calling for money? I don’t have any money.’

‘I’m not calling for money. I need a tagline for the book.’

‘Did you call your crazy advertising friend who did the coke commercial with the gorillas?’

'Yes, he’s busy and he doesn’t believe in Vanilla Gorillas, only the regular kind of gorillas.’

‘That’s odd. Did you call your sister? The jingle one that is.’

Yes. She has consumption so wasn’t much help.’

‘Consumption?’ That’s doesn’t sound too good.'

'She’s alright - it’s the fake kind of consumption not the real kind.’

'I didn’t know there was a fake kind.'

'There is! Enough about the consumption!' I raised my voice a bit. ‘I need a tagline NOW!’

Raised voices and the X don’t go well. He’s never liked confrontation.

‘How am I supposed to be creative when you’re yelling at me?’ He whines.

‘Anyway I’ve got to go. Call ya back in 20?’

Click.

I know he’ll never call me back. 

All my attempts at finding the perfect shameless self-promotional tagline have failed. I sit despondent in my comfy chair staring at VG on the book’s cover. Suddenly a voice in my head whispers lovingly, ‘You worry too much.’ says Vanilla Gorilla. ‘Let’s go eat some ice cream and watch the original Madagascar movie.’  VG loves that part with Robin Williams as the king lemur. “Physically fit. Physically fit...’

As we snuggle together, eating our ice cream (vanilla of course), VG whispers, ‘You could have asked me for a tagline.’

‘Do you have one?’

‘Of course.’ I should have known. Go to the source right? 

‘What is it?’

I’m Vanilla Gorilla and I’m on the covah.”

So don’t be afraid, I’m a lovey Dovah.’

Yah. What he said.