June 21 was the day my new iphone finally arrived. Yes I know I’m a little behind the curve with this but I had to wait for my upgrade. I’m approximately number 183 million in line for iphone owners. Happily, there’s one statistic that I can still be part of. It will take 350,613,120 iPhones laid end to end to circle the earth.
 |
| An iPhone devil cover. |
It’s exciting to know that I’ll be in the group that’s first to circle the earth. I like that.
As I began to play with my new toy I realized very quickly that the iphone is an evil addictive instrument of the devil.
I’ve relayed this observation to several friends. They all say stuff like
“NAAA.”
“No way.”
One even said to me. “That’s just crazy talk. Don’t go repeating that.”
OK. Call me crazy. I don’t care.
I’m here to tell the truth about the evil iphone.
Take Siri for example.
Apple’s marketing describes Siri as, “The intelligent personal assistant that helps you get things done just by asking.”
Wow - you buy an iphone, you get a personal assistant (or for some, a friend).
And she doesn’t only “help you get things done.” She says nice things to you. She props you up.
I was recently out driving with my friend Gary. We got lost so he called on Siri for directions. “Siri, directions to Newport.” Siri’s reply, “I respect you Gary.”
I don’t know about you but I typically appreciate respect from real people.
I don’t know what to do with a machine that respects me.
Sounds suspicious. Sounds evil.
Ask yourself, are you addicted to your iphone?
I asked a friend—he didn't want me to use his real name so let’s call him Brad—if he thought he was addicted to his iphone.
“No way.”
Denial. The first sign of addiction.
I asked a few more questions.
What’s the first thing you pick up in the morning?
“My iphone.”
How many times an hour do you think of your iphone?
“An hour? How about how many times a minute?”
OK. how many times?
"At least 10.”
More than your girlfriend?
“Yeesh. Probably, but please don’t tell her.”
Don’t worry I changed your name to Brad.
“Phew. Are we done here? I need to check my iphone.”
Poor Brad.
The iphone is relentless. It’s needy and it never leaves you alone. It beeps and buzzes, rings, vibrates. It will do ANYTHING to get your attention. Even when you turn it off it calls out to you with little vibrations when it wants to “Chat.” I have definitely noticed that when I turn the ringer “OFF” the iphone gets antsy.
A call comes in. The iphone vibrates a little. It politely calls to you. “Pick me up.” Something exciting is happening and you’re missing it.”
Next you get a text. I swear the iphone likes texts way more than calls. The vibration gets a bit louder and somehow—I have no clue how—the iphone has found it’s way onto a surface that amplifies it’s vibration. It has LITERALLY moved, and watch out cause it's PISSED OFF. “YOU BETTER PICK ME UP RIGHT NOW OR YOU ARE A TOTAL DOUCHE BAG!”
Pretty scary stuff huh. Evil stuff.
I’m just sayin’.
Don’t ignore your iphone because it WILL come for you.
So now that I've fully revealed the iphone's dirty little secret the question remains. Will I be giving up mine anytime soon? Hell NO!
Let's face it, all 183 million of us have gone to the devil. And we love it.
OK. Enough writing. My iphone is calling me.
I'm coming Suri......! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment