The Xs Take a Vacation

Yesterday morning as I arrived for my yearly Maine Lake vacation, I saw a sight I hoped I would never have to see again. But it’s entirely my fault. I mean who goes ON VACATION with her X husband and all her X-sis-n-lows, bro-n-lows and assorted near-do-well cousins etc. Anyone who does that has to be somewhat crazed - right?

I have a very good excuse for this unusual excursion. This may well be the last Maine vacation I spend with my almost 18 year old child. I love Maine in the summer. The lake, crystal clear and dotted with wooded islands. Wild blueberries, ripe for picking and right outside my door. Day after day of sailing, water skiing and tubing. Children’s happy screams of delight echoing off the water. The perfect getaway. 

Never a dull moment in Maine.

Yes - I have gone on vacation with my X and we are even staying in the same house. According to my in-laws, 'It’s the new face of divorce.'  It’s been one year since we split up and each of us has gone through changes. X has taken up lots of ‘hobbies,' but his mid-life crisis has manifest itself in some peculiar ways.

He bought a scooter! Not just any scooter. One colored white and sky blue with a Hawaiian pattern of flowers all over the paintwork. ‘It’s totally badass!’ he submitted as he parked it proudly in my front yard. 

‘Why was he in your front yard?’ Some ask.

Because he pops in.

‘He pops? He shouldn’t be popping.’

True but as long as he behaves I’ll allow him to pop.

But I digress.

Eventually the Hawaiian scooter wore out it’s welcome and was traded up for a more manly fire engine red scooter.

‘It's way more badass. So badass it should be illegal.’ 

Uh huh. 

There was a time when we attended couples therapy, even after we were divorced. The last one was right after our court date. 

‘I stopped taking my Lexapro!’ he enthusiastically declared.

I interpret this pronouncement as ‘You aren’t driving me crazy anymore so I don’t have to take mind altering drugs!’

“I’m flying to Bermuda in April!’ He's so excited at this point he’s jiggling all over. ‘To go diving (Did I mention he took up diving?)’! 

More jiggling. ‘And ride a scooter!’ 

And if that’s not bad enough he’s acting like ‘Life’s dream realized.’ 
Fly to Bermuda. Go diving. Ride a scooter. AWESOME!!!! Best trip ever. 
Bucket list complete.

Wow.

In 20 years of marriage he wouldn’t fly anywhere because he had a ‘flying phobia’ which conveniently manifest itself right after we got married. Trips to France, to the BVI’s, to Florida and beyond and no hubby. 

You get the point. I might sound like a bitter X but I’m really not. 

My motto: You gotta get mad before you get glad.

Everyday that goes by I am happier, more independent and I think a bit more self-aware. I get to eat stuff I like (meat!), watch Housewives of the OC tear each other’s fake diamond earrings off whenever I want. Most importantly, because I am so much happier than when I was married, I spend lots more fun quality time with my son.

Let's go kayaking!

It’s all good, even with the 'popping.' 

But I digress - again. 

So I arrive at my sis-n-low’s rented house (there’s four families and everyone gets separate houses so there won’t be any familial vacation ending drama). Everyone’s down by the water. Kids are happily swimming, splashing about, having noodle battles (the colorful floaty foam ones) and jumping off the dock. Screams of delight abound. As I approach my X relations and experience heartfelt greetings from all around X-hubby saunters up from the dock in what appears to be an apron. It's actually his shirt tied around his waist. As he walks by, ‘Heh Tammi-ing,’ me I realize much to my chagrin that he is naked. Now I’ve probably seen him naked more than 6000 times in 19+ years but this time is different. 

Seeing the X’s buttocks flagrantly displayed just reminds me of all his quirks that I definitely don’t miss. Upon reflection, the moment actually reaffirmed that my life right now is all good. Still I couldn’t help declaring out loud. “‘Now that’s something I hoped to NEVER see again in my life!’ 

A perfect way to start your vacation with the X’s. Insult X-hubby in a slightly witty, sarcastic manner, ex-relations all laugh. The ice is be broken, allowing everyone to get onto a fun time. 

On to the tubing, sailing and badass red scooter riding. YAAY! 
I love Maine.